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Bart Vs. Lisa Vs. The Third Grade SCRIPT http://www.dashdingo.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- **On The Television** [Animal Survivor Logo is shown over a cloud background] Announcer: Welcome back to "Animal Survivor" Host: Ok, tribe its been a rough week. Rhino, you lost the tribe's fishing equipement Rhino: (Groan) Host: And we saw a dramatic collapse in the Lion-Gazelle alliance **Flash to Lion eating the Gazelle** **Flash to the Simpson family watching TV** Homer: Awww, I hate reality shows! Marge: A year ago you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us. Homer: I've grown, you haven't **On The Television** Announcer: And now we're back to "Touch The Stove" **Host and Contestant stand next to each other with an electrical stove on between them** Host: So Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards Kevin: Yeah, it all started when... **He is interupted when the host grabs his hand and places it on the lit stove** Host: Touch The Stove! Kevin: (Screams) **Back to family watching TV** Homer: I can't take any more of these shows, if I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at (points to bulging lump in his neck) Lisa: Networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors Homer: Stupid writers & actors, priced yourself right out of the business. Nice going, genuises. Bart: Hey, lets get one of those home satellite dishes, then we can stop suckling on the six network teet Marge: Get back honky cat, those systems are too expensive Homer: Marge, we can't pinch pennies on a machine thats going to be raising our children. C'mon kids, daddy knows a way to get some money with noooo risk **Flash to race horse tracks** Announcer: And the winner by a nose is No Risk Homer: Woo Hoo! **Flash to "The Boob Tubery" Television store** Store Worker: Okay, now all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Will you been home from 8 A.M. Monday morning through June? Homer: No Problem **Flash To Simpson Home with Satellite installer on the roof and September written at the bottom of the screen** Homer: Hey Flanders, check out my new satellite dish! Ned: (impressed whistle) Boy, thats Jim Dandy Root Candy, I'd love to come over some time and watch that church channel Homer: I bet you would Ned: Oh, you'd win that bet. Seems like I've spent all my money on religious pay-per-view or as I like to call it "Pray-Per-View" Homer: (angrily) Damn your sparkling word play! Ned: ...and bless your humble home Homer: (angered groan) **Flash to the Simpson television room with homer playing with wires behind the TV** Homer: Oh, its red wire to red wire! Pfft, what idiot dreamed that up? Bart: (turning on TV with giant remote) and the lord said 'Let there be crap' **Bart presses button, the satellite dish is shown turning on top of the roof and we follow a beam into space were monkeys are crossing wires in a satellite** Monkey: (looking out window towards earth) So beautiful, so fragile **Simpsons Television Room** Ted Koppel: and thereby reducing the number states to 49 Bart: Hey, its the NBC news feed! Homer: Mmmm... Feed Bart: You get to see what they do during commercial breaks Ted Koppel: We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer Producer: CLEAR! Ted Koppel: Oh lord I'm so fat (grabs bucket from beneath the desk and vomits into it) (Lisa walks into TV Room) Bart: Hey Lis, wanna try some satellite TV? They've got Japanese Friends! **Japanese version of NBC's Friends is shown on TV** Cast Member #1: Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle, Rock N' Roll"! Could I be more Japanese? Cast Member #2: You are the emperor of last year Cast Member #1: Your comeback shames me **TV Room** Bart: How about the clock channel? **On TV** Announcer: Coming up on the clock channel: Six O' Clock! **TV Room** Bart: Wait a minute, I saw this one Lisa: Bart, I have to study for the elementry school achievement test and so do you! Bart: Hey, I don't have to study on the weekend! Lisa: It's Wednesday night! Homer: Kids kids, you're both right. (pats on shoulders and lays back down) Lisa: (groans and leaves the room) TV Announcer: We're back with "Who Wants To Marry An Internet Billionare"... ah, no 'Millionare'... well now he's broke! **Homer is seen with a raggedy beard watching TV, Bart is shown with chocolate around his mouth resembling Homer's beard** Both: (sigh) Marge: Why don't you turn off the TV and join us for dessert? I made a pie! Homer: Put pie here! (points to mouth) Marge: (sighs and then shovels a piece into Homer's mouth) Would you like some ice cream with that? Homer: Me not pig! **On TV** Announcer: We now return to "Robo Trumble"... oh I'm sorry, I mean "Robot Rumble" Robot #1: Why are we fighting each other? Together we can defeat the humans and rule the earth Robot #2: I agree (turns toward audience) Robot #1: (cuts Robot #2 in half) Sucker! **TV Room** Homer: Ahehehehe. Homicidal robots, so like us. (falls asleep) Lisa: (walking in) Bart, the test is in two hours and you haven't slept in a fortnight Bart: What's a fortnight? Lisa: You should know, its on the test! **In classroom on the chalkboard is writen "BIG ACHIEVEMENT TEST TODAY"** Mrs. Krabappel: No pressure children, but these test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave Bart: (thinking to himself) This test is boring, what else is on? (his test paper turns into a remote various things around him change to things from TV shows) Homeless Looking Clown: It's finally happened Bart, you've lost your mind! **Various TV characters lift Bart's chair and spin him around singing Hava Nagila** **In school auditorium** Skinner: Now lets raise the roof for the bland informative rap of M.C. Safety and the Caution Crew M.C. Safety: (rapping)Yo Yo Yo Yo. I'm feelin cautious. I say a crosswalk a crossity walk and you don't stop crossing till you're on the next block. First you look both ways and you walk not run. Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun. Break it down now! Caution Crew: (rapping) Walk don't run, drink juice. Yum Yum Skinner: (clapping [the only one]) Watch out Beatles! Now, I have one more important announcement for you. Will Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday's test, you're being immediately moved up to the third grade! Bart: She's not so great, she got diarhea when we went to Carlsbad Caverns! Students: (all laugh) Skinner: Ok Bart, since you like attention so much, I have a second announcement. I was going to tell you this privately but, because of your incredibly low test scores, we're sending you BACK to third grade! M.C. Safety: Bwu uh ha? Bart: What?! I gotta be in the same class as her? Lisa: What?! I gotta be in the same class as him? **Homer sits at home watching the incident on School-SPAN** Homer: They're going to be in the same class as each other?! (changes channel) An old army buddy is visiting Mannox?! **Third Grade Classroom** Mrs. McConnell: Class, meet our newest third graders: Lisa and Bart Simpson! Lisa comes to use from Miss Hoover (mimics drinking alcohol) While Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel (Cough made to sound like "slut") Class: Hi Bart & Lisa! Mrs. McConnel: A rooster sits on a roof facing north, it lays an egg, which way does it roll? Lisa: (to herself) Ok, the sun rises in the east so the rooster would probably want to lay it on the cool side. Bart: Roosters don't lay eggs. They're boys. Mrs. McConnel: Very good Bart. Bart: Mmm Hmm (nods) Mrs. McConnel: Lisa, I want you to stick closer to your big brother until you catch up. (pushes desks together and clamps them together with a metal clamp) Nelson: Haw Haw! Mrs. McConnel: Young man, you're not in this class! What are you doing here? Nelson: Laughin' at jerks **Simpson home, Bart & Lisa study in the dining room** Bart: Quiet nerds burp only near school Lisa: Bart, I'm doing my geography homework! Bart: I know, thats how you remember the four original provinces of Canada. Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia. Quiet Nerds Burp Only Near School. And here's how you remember their principal exports: Dogs eat barf soley on Wednesday, Mabel. Lisa: Stop! I want to learn on my own! **Lisa's Room as she studies alone** Bart (popping out of air vent): Canada's Governors General. Clowns love haircuts, so should Lee Marvin's valet. Lisa: Get out! (throws book at him) **Lisa & Bart's Third Grade Classroom** Mrs. McConnel: Here are your math tests. Morgan, Dakota, Ashley, Dakota, Tyler, Tyler, Lisa. Lisa: What's this weird mark next to my A? Mrs. McConnel: That's an A minus. Lisa: Minus? Mrs. McConnel: Nice work, Bart Bart: An A? Copesetic Lisa: You did better than me? Bart: Meh, I took this test last year. The answer key never changes. (Fastly off of heart) B, C, B, C, A, A, D, D, C, C, D, False, False, True, Williams, Jennings, Bryant. Lisa: That's cheating! Bart cheated! Mrs. McConnel: Young lady, in the third grade, we don't care for tattle tails Lisa: Awwww Mrs. McConnel: And we don't care for moaners either Lisa: *tears up* Mrs. McConnel: Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher **Changes Bart's grade to A+** **Outside school as a line of children await to get on a bus** Otto: Pukers in back! Marge: Kids, look what I got you for your third grade field trip: matching fanny packs! *pink & green they say Bart's Sister & Lisa's Brother respectively* Now your fannys match! Bart & Lisa: *Groan as their fanny packs are caught together* Bart: Hey! Get away from me Lisa: Ow! Marge: Stop, you'll crush your juice boxes! Mrs. McConnel: Alright, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip Bart: I'll take Kyle! Lisa: I'll take Ashley! Mrs. McConnel: Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk. I'll just put you too together. Bart & Lisa: Owwww! **On the bus** Bart: *looks out the window & see's a red Volkswagen* Punch Buggy Red! *punches Lisa in the arm* Lisa: Ow! You are such an immature... Punch Buggy White *punches Bart in the arm* Mrs. McConnel: Stop fighting! Lisa: He started it! He did punch buggy first. Classmate: What's punch buggy? Bart: When you see a Volkswagen Bug you punch somebody & yell the color **Bus drives past Volkswagen World car dealership** Student: Punch Buggy Blue Student: Punch Buggy Green Student: Punch Buggy Tope Otto: Two for flinchin'! **Bus arrives at the Springfield Capital building, students file off holding their arms & moaning** Mrs. McConnel: Now as we cross the street, I want you to hold hands with your buddy **Teenagers pull up in an old style car** Teenager: Hey dude, who's your girlfriend? Teenagers: *Laugh* **Bart & Lisa pull their hands apart** Teenager: What happened dude, did your girlfriend dump you? **Inside capital** Mrs. McConnel: Now children, if you look up at the capital dome you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot bellied sparrow, eating our state pasta, bowtie. Legislator: Order, Order, Order. The chair recognizes the esteemed representative from Capital city. Bart: The Capital City Goofball? Mrs. McConnel: Thats right, to win he spent 80 million from his own pocket Goofball: Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. *shows flag of rebel flag on a orange and blue background*. This confederate symbol is an embarrasment, particularly as we are a northern state. Mrs. McConnel: This lively debate has given me an idea. Tonight, each buddy team is going to design a new state flag. Bart: Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffin? **Inside Bart & Lisa'a hotel room** Lisa (on phone): Well, Bart's being his usually jerky self, but mom I'm really excited about this flag design. Oh and the hotel gives you a free USA Today outside your room. Yeah, I'm sure its free.... Okay, I won't touch it. Marge: Make sure you don't! And try not to let your brother get under your skin honey. Lisa: Believe me, he doesn't... his act is getting old fast. **cut to bathroom where bart is listening in on another phone** He thinks he's really cool, but frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties. **Lisa is shown working on the flag project** Lisa: One last sunbeam and we're done. To Fraternal Love. Bart: When I get through with that flag, it's going to be a Bart mangled banner. **Inside Mary Bailey's office** Mary Bailey: So I understand you children have some state flags for me, who would like to go first? Bart: We would Governor Bailey! Team Simpson! Lisa: I spearheaded this one Bailey: I'll just unfurl this.... AHHHH!!! **turns it around to show Bart's new work "Learn To Fart"** That was my worst unfurling ever! Bart: Lisa, how could you? The governor is crying Nelson: Haw Haw! Mrs. McConnel: You weren't on this field trip, how did you get here? Nelson: Biked **Outside Capital, students are getting on the bus to go home** Lisa: Bart, I am so mad at you Bart: Muahaha. You should have seen the look on your face, it was something like this **holds up crude drawing of Lisa that says "I Am A Loser"** Lisa: Grrrr **tackles him into the bushes and over a hill, the bus horn beeps** The bus! Mrs. McConnel: Ok, before we leave, is anyone missing their buddy? Children: No Mrs. McConnel: Ah, the buddy system, fool proof. Floor it Otto. Lisa: *running after bus* Wait, wait! Bart: Haw Haw, they left without you! Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot. Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in the third grade? Lisa: Because you've already done it once! Bart: You've lost me. Lisa: Oh, forget it. Hey, how do we get back? Bart: No problem, we'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch Project **Walks off screen to the right & reappears on screen from the left bruised & dirtied. Points to Lisa** I must be getting close, I recognize the girl. Lisa: Oh, Bart. I think we're lost. Bart: I used to be lost until a friend turned me onto a book. A book that changed my life, it's called "Lisa Is Stupid" Lisa: You die now! **chokes Bart with her necklace, Bart gets away and she chases him** **Springfield Elementary** Mrs. McConnel: They're gone! I don't know what happened. If the buddy system can fail, I don't know what to believe in. Principal Skinner: There there Audrey, it's happened to all of us. *into intercom* Willie, we have two more names for the wall. **Shows marble wall next to playground labled "Field Trip Memorial"** Willie: Why is it always the kids with the long names?! **Simpson House, doorbell rings** Marge: Hello Principal Skinner Skinner: (fastly)A.parent.who.waives.the.right.to.sue.says.'what' Marge: What? Skinner: **pulls up tape recorder** Got it. Homer: Hey, you can't fool us, we're from the Learn De' Bart State Skinner: *sigh* Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and pressumed crying Marge: *gasp* My poor babies Skinner: I'm so sorry, Lisa's a very special little girl and we'll spare no expense in finding her. Homer: What about Bart? Skinner: We're looking, but in the mean time the Class Clown Pro Temp will take his place. Milhouse: Cowabunga! **In the woods, Bart & Lisa try to sleep under a tree** Lisa: *shivering* Bart: You cold? Lisa: What do you care? Bart: **covers Lisa with a cloth** Here Lisa: Thanks, where'd you get... **folds over to reveal Learn to Fart flag** oh. Bart, you're my big brother, you should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world. Bart: well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest. Lisa: Thanks, Bart. Bart: and I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag. Lisa: I'm sorry I got us lost out here. Bart: Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacey dolls. Ok, you go. Lisa: I don't think I've done anything else. Bart: Ok, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by gypsies? Lisa: Yeah Bart: Funny story, one day I was really bored and dad left a steamroller ideling in the driveway... **In front of the capital building Homer & Marge look for Bart & Lisa** Homer: This is where the kids were last seen Marge: *gasp* The plastic casing from the tip of Bart's shoe lace. A mother knows. Homer: Well, he's not going to get very far without that! **looks in bush**. Bart, is that you? Raspy Voice: No! **Morning, Bart & Lisa wake to the sounds of guns cocking** Hillbilly: Say your prayers! Bart: Oh lord, please strike these mountain folk dead. Lisa: Bart! We're really sorry, we got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary Hillbilly: Lost on a field trip? Heck, why didn't you say so? Thats how grandpappy wound up in these parts. Grandpappy: They was taking us to Capital City, to see the nutcracker and I wandered away from the group and married a bear and I started up my family. Old Woman: I told you, I ain't a bear! Grandpappy: Rawr, rawr, rawr! No one understands you, She-Bear! Ahahaha **Driving in beat up old car (Bart, Lisa & Hillbilly family)** Bart: Thanks for driving us back to town Hillbilly: No problem, we was headed there anyway to pick up the new Spy Magazine. Lisa: I'm sorry, they don't publish that anymore. Hillbilly: The world I grew up in is gone. **Outside Capital Building** Marge: My special little guys, you're okay, you're okay! Homer: And Maggie, you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing Bart & Lisa Maggie: **tosses small skateboard & saxaphone into trash can** Skinner: Well, if this episode has taught us anything, its that nothing works better than the status quo. Bart, you're promoted back to the fourth grade. Bart: Yay! Skinner: And Lisa, you have a choice. You may continue to be challenged in third grade, or you may return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond... Lisa: Big fish! Big Fish! Everyone: Awww Homer: The status quo. Milhouse: The status quo? Aye Carumba! Skinner: That's just sad. The End, thank you for reading this script. Transcribed by Justin Reese, webmaster of http://www.dashdingo.com 
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